You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
