That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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