can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Define "chronic" masturbator.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
