i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize