his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
