thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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