I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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