I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
