i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
