I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize