I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
only if we run a train.
done.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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