I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
