Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
