the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Little spoons don't ask big questions
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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