Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Those nachos came to me in a dream
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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