I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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