Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
porn star boner night. come get it.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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