Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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