I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My vagina just clenched in fear
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