Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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