hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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