i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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