I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
