then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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