Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
