If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
