We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Two words: blizzard sex
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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