Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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