I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
