He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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