i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
