It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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