I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
