she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
