last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
