New low: just hacked my moms facebook
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
