he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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