Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
