does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
