I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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