i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
