I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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