I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
