i just sent this text using only my big toe
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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