Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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