Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
