you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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