can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
