Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Randomize
