All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
no, he came in my armpit
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
