i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
