I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
