i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
