my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
