it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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