You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
