Apparently you make a good broom.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize