He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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