i wish my penis had a tongue
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
